This post was written fot this weekly writing challenge: I wish I were.
The first thing that came to mind was “I wish I were loved”.
Now, don’t get me wrong, generally speaking, I’m happy. I have friends and family, food in my belly and a roof over my head. A good job as well.
“I wish I were loved” has a lot to do with my fears. My fear of growing old (alone), my fear of dying (alone) – did you figure it out yet? I’m scared to death of being alone. Yes, I know it’s a common fear, we’re only human after all.
I’m not a practicing Jew, I’m an Atheist. I don’t believe you are born Jewish, you are just born to Jewish parents, and the same goes for any other religion. I don’t believe in fate, I don’t belive in a guiding hand. But I do believe that what you put out into the world, is what you get back. You may call it Karma, I call it being a good person. All of this leads me to the conclusion that we truly are alone, our choices are our own. We gravitate towards other people so we can feel less lonely.
It took me some time to realise I want to get married, I want to have children, I want it all. When I was younger, I thought that giving into those desires made me weak, for I’m a strong independent woman. It took me some time to realise these things would make me stronger.
How does that connect with my beliefs, or lack thereof?
Not everyone will get married and have children. That’s just the way it is. Some people might say – “that’s how god wants it to be”, or “it’s their fate”. etc. But I know that I have no one to blame – it’s all my doing. I’m responsible for my own life, and I don’t want to be alone, I’ll have no one else to blame for it but myself.
And it scares the shit out of me.