I wish I were

This post was written fot this weekly writing challenge: I wish I were.

The first thing that came to mind was “I wish I were loved”.

Now, don’t get me wrong, generally speaking, I’m happy. I have friends and family, food in my belly and a roof over my head. A good job as well.

“I wish I were loved” has a lot to do with my fears. My fear of growing old (alone), my fear of dying (alone) – did you figure it out yet? I’m scared to death of being alone. Yes, I know it’s a common fear, we’re only human after all.

I’m not a practicing Jew, I’m an Atheist. I don’t believe you are born Jewish, you are just born to Jewish parents, and the same goes for any other religion. I don’t believe in fate, I don’t belive in a guiding hand. But I do believe that what you put out into the world, is what you get back. You may call it Karma, I call it being a good person. All of this leads me to the conclusion that we truly are alone, our choices are our own. We gravitate towards other people so we can feel less lonely.

It took me some time to realise I want to get married, I want to have children, I want it all. When I was younger, I thought that giving into those desires made me weak, for I’m a strong independent woman. It took me some time to realise these things would make me stronger.

How does that connect with my beliefs, or lack thereof?

Not everyone will get married and have children. That’s just the way it is. Some people might say – “that’s how god wants it to be”, or “it’s their fate”. etc. But I know that I have no one to blame – it’s all my doing. I’m responsible for my own life, and I don’t want to be alone, I’ll have no one else to blame for it but myself.

And it scares the shit out of me.

22 thoughts on “I wish I were

  1. I have a similar problem. I too have an awesome family and super great friends. I believe in God and I believe that He loves me, and the thing is, I know that should be good enough (for now at least), but quite frankly, I don’t want to be single for much longer. It’s almost ridiculous because I hardly have time for friends let alone a boyfriend, but because I have so much school work, I spend a lot of time by myself or with immediate family. I don’t have much to say by way of advice, but it might be helpful to know that there are people out there who are in the same boat.

  2. I know the feeling. Mostly because everyone around me seems to have someone – damn them! Know you’re not alone in being lonely!

  3. Pingback: I wish I were… « 3rdculturechildren

  4. It’s so refreshing to know that at least one person believes in being responsible for herself. There are too many people who blame everyone else for their actions or the way that they turned out. Don’t worry about dying alone, none of us can predict what or how it will happen or who will be there for us when it does. The important thing is to not live alone. Surround yourself with people who you care for and who care for you. :)

    • True, there’s no use worrying about the future, but I do anyway sometimes. I think I’m more worried about not having that someone to share my life with. But you’re right :)
      Oh yeah, I can’t tolerate the so-called “blame game”, even though I’ve taken part in it. The important thing is to be aware of it.

  5. Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge ~ I Wish I Were « To Breathe is to Write

  6. Lovely and honest post. My depression started around 11, and one of the main factors was the fear of death. Now, in my 30’s, I’ve overcome depression and fear of death, but still desire a companion who loves me as I would love them: as they are, no more and no less. This is what is hard to find. People always want to change others. I just desire to share my life, raise a family, and die surrounded by the ones I love most.

  7. Hi. It is interesting how we all think differently. I am very comfortable and really enjoy being alone. I think as we age and become happier with ourselves that we actually enjoy being alone. I call it me time. My work keeps me extremely busy sometimes and I wish I had more of it. I hope you find your Happy medium.

  8. Sometimes it is good to feel lonely, and even if one is in a relationship, one can still feel the need to be lonely or to be just by oneself. It is nice you still recognize what you DO have in your life, I hope one day your wishes of companionship–marriage–children come true for you =)

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