Normally, I would probably write about all the changes that have happened the past few months, but there’s an issue I’ve been preoccupied with that I never told anyone about, so why not tell complete strangers, right?
Okay, here goes. It happened 8 years ago, I was 19. I went out to a club with 2 girlfriends. We were drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I can’t remember a lot. It must have been towards the end of the night. Somehow I was separated from them. Now, these are the things I know happened for a fact:
- They were 2. They took turns.
- I was taken behind the club, or to the parking lot
- There were people who saw what was happening
- When they were done one of them asked for my phone number
I remember not being able to pul my pants up, so I asked for help. That’s it. I found my friends, we got into the car and I never talked about it, ever.
It was my 2nd sexual encounter. I was in the army at the time, and I adopted a promiscuous behavior that lasted well into my university years. I feel like what’s happened might explain some things about me…Maybe the fact that I don’t have a lot of friends and why they’re all female, why I don’t like going to parties or why I feel so terribly awkward near people I don’t know. These things might not have developed because of what has happened, but maybe they did.
I’ve been thinking about it almost daily these past few months. Maybe even for the past year. If it were to happen to one of my friends, I would scream RAPE. But as to what has happened to ME…I understand, logically, what both these men (if you could call them that) did. But I can’t say “I was raped” out loud. I can’t, I am not a victim. A victim is weak, fragile…I don’t feel like a victim, I don’t want to feel like one, it’s shameful.
I think I want to tell the guy I’m dating. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I just don’t know how. I don’t even know why I want him to know, I just do. How do I do it? How do I start without being overdramatic about it? I coverup a lot of things with humor, so I can’t imagine taking about something so intimate…
I’m scared I’ll get blamed: “well, you were drinking”, “did you flirt with them?”, “did you say no?”, “maybe they were drunk too?”…I’m afraid of someone close to me belittling what happened, saying it’s not rape because it wasn’t violent and bloody like the stereotypical rape scenario goes. I thought about telling some of my friends, but I don’t want to get sympathetic looks, and I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. So, if that’s the case, why tell after so many years? What’s the point?