Telling Secrets

secretsNormally, I would probably write about all the changes that have happened the past few months, but there’s an issue I’ve been preoccupied with that I never told anyone about, so why not tell complete strangers, right?

Okay, here goes. It happened 8 years ago, I was 19. I went out to a club with 2 girlfriends. We were drinking copious amounts of alcohol.  I can’t remember a lot. It must have been towards the end of the night. Somehow I was separated from them. Now, these are the things I know happened for a fact:

  • They were 2. They took turns.
  • I was taken behind the club, or to the parking lot
  • There were people who saw what was happening
  • When they were done one of them asked for my phone number

I remember not being able to pul my pants up, so I asked for help. That’s it. I found my friends, we got into the car and I never talked about it, ever.

It was my 2nd sexual encounter. I was in the army at the time, and I adopted a promiscuous behavior that lasted well into my university years. I feel like what’s happened might explain some things about me…Maybe the fact that I don’t have a lot of friends and why they’re all female, why I don’t like going to parties or why I feel so terribly awkward near people I don’t know. These things might not have developed because of what has happened, but maybe they did.

I’ve been thinking about it almost daily these past few months. Maybe even for the past year. If it were to happen to one of my friends, I would scream RAPE. But as to what has happened to ME…I understand, logically, what both these men (if you could call them that) did. But I can’t say “I was raped” out loud. I can’t, I am not a victim. A victim is weak, fragile…I don’t feel like a victim, I don’t want to feel like one, it’s shameful.

I think I want to tell the guy I’m dating. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I just don’t know how. I don’t even know why I want him to know, I just do. How do I do it? How do I start without being overdramatic about it? I coverup a lot of things with humor, so I can’t imagine taking about something so intimate…

I’m scared I’ll get blamed: “well, you were drinking”, “did you flirt with them?”, “did you say no?”, “maybe they were drunk too?”…I’m afraid of someone close to me belittling what happened, saying it’s not rape because it wasn’t violent and bloody like the stereotypical rape scenario goes. I thought about telling some of my friends, but I don’t want to get sympathetic looks, and I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. So, if that’s the case, why tell after so many years? What’s the point?


7 thoughts on “Telling Secrets

  1. I think step one is having the courage to tell somebody. You’ve accomplished that. I wouldn’t say your boyfriend has a right to know, but I would say that if he can handle it like an adult it would probably only help your relationship. I claim no authority on the subject but I did have a girlfriend that was sexually abused. The downside is that if he is incapable of understanding such a terrible thing you might lose him; but if that is the case I would assert that you probably don’t want a serious relationship with that sort of man anyway. As for the things you worry about people saying, I won’t try to tell you people won’t say them. I will tell you that there is no way any words can justify what happened to you. Anyone who says those sort of things is “blaming the victim”. You can quote me on that and it might help. Thanks for having the courage to tell us your story. I wish you the best.

    • Thank you. Telling strangers is easier than facing the ones who are closer to you. You’re right, I wouldn’t say he has a right to know. I just have this desire to tell him, so we can move forward (or maybe so I can move forward in this relationship).
      I hope I won’t have to quote you on that ;)

  2. I agree with the other post when they say there is no reason your boyfriend needs to know. It is your choice to tell. And if you do: it is a sign of comfort and a desire to share your soul (at least to me). The best way to tell if someone loves you, is they ask for nothing in return. Love is unbound, without compromises or limits, and is acceptance. If he loves you, then he will help you through your thoughts and not cast blame or fear. Hope this helps.

  3. What a hard situation to be in, and a horrible thing to happen, I am sorry. Broaching the subject will be hard, but only speak up when you’re ready and comfortable would be my advice. Otherwise you could always speak to someone who isn’t allowed to be judgemental, and who doesn’t know you in ‘real life’ and could give you some helpful tips (‘helpful tips’ does not seem right haha) for talking about it with others, so long as you’re not opposed to a counsellor. Then it would be off your chest some.
    Blaming the victim is awful, but seems to be part of culture sadly. With education though I think girls will eventually stop being asked ‘had you been drinking? etc’ though. One day.
    Good luck.

  4. Pingback: Versatile Blogger Award – thank you! | Stumbling Through Life

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