Breaking up is hard to do

Last post, I wrote about wanting to tell my bf that I was raped in the past. I did, it went well. A month later, he broke up with me. We were friends for 6 years before we started dating. But I never expected to be treated they the way I was these past 3 months. I wanted our relationship to work so bad, I was willing to overlook some things.

One of his best friends is a girl. They’ve known each other for 8 years, and it’s non-sexual relationship, I was never worried about that. He gave her a key to his apartment, which he shares with a friend (who knows the girl). He said she can come and go whenever she wants. She had her cloths and some personal belongings in his room, and apparently shared his bed when she slept over (a fact unknown to me until he let it slip). When I was there, she slept in roommate’s bed. She was there about 1-3 time a week.

That is a lot. I talked to him and tried to explain it makes me uncomfortable that he has someone over so many times a week, that sleeps there and has a key. He didn’t quite understand, but said he’d talk with her.

We met a week ago. He said he doesn’t think it’s working. He’s very social, while I am a very private person, that he hasn’t ket my friends yet and I haven’t met a lot if his and that I’m still not comfortable enough with the one’s I have met. He then added that there are things (aka, rape and the fact it influenced they way I interact with strangers) that as a friend he would want to support and help me with, but not as a significant other.

So finally I just told him it looks like he wants an “instant” girlfriend/relationship, but that he doesn’t want to do the work required to get there. And he said – “you’re right”.I also told him that the only thing he had to do is give me time – time to meet his friends in small groups, time to get comfortable with them – that’s it. It’s only been 3 months, where’s the fire?

I mean, I honestly believe my significant other should be able to do whatever my friends can, and even more – So not having the patience or willingness to “support” me as my significant other is devastating to me, especially when it’s coming from my friend of 6 years.

Over the past 3 months he forgot how to be a friend. He made me feel as if I come second to his friends, I was never happy with the things he did or said and he didn’t act as if he had a girlfriend. But I miss him – his scent, his touch and how he’s so familiar. Unfortunately, I don’t know how I can stay in touch with him i the future after being treated the way I was. What does it say about me if I choose to keep him in my life?

And how the hell do I meet someone new?

Dating is so hard!


4 thoughts on “Breaking up is hard to do

  1. My heart goes out to you. It is never easy to open your soul to someone and have it rejected in such a way. It’s been six years since my divorce, and I still miss my wife; I know, I could never be with her again. As I am now, I know exactly what I desire in a relationship, unconditional love, pure and simple: it is hard to find. Please, keep faith that your life will unfold exactly as it needs to (it’s hard in a time like this) but there is always light at the end of darkness. Though I don’t know you, I will send my happy thoughts your way, as what we give to another, we give to ourselves.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words, they help a lot.
      Yes, coming to the realization that you can not be with someone even though you still have feelings for them, is the first step on the way to healing, and I guess time helps forget.
      Unconditional love is hard to find – I agree with you, what we give, is what we get. So thank you, and I’ll be sending happy thoughts your way as well.

  2. First, I certainly agree that it is odd for another woman to come sleep in his bed one to three nights per week. As for that relationship being nonsexual, don’t bet on it. Even if the general intent of the relationship is nonsexual, there’s always that once… (or twice, or…). He really should start charging her rent. Of course, he may not want to because of the other, nonmonetary benefits that he and his roommate are gaining. As for her, there is something wrong that she doesn’t want to sleep in her own bed.

    As for you, Ms. Alpheba, you are much better off without this crudola. If he wants to spend most of his time with his friends and have one of the female persuasion sleep in his bed, then let him have at it. He will grow up eventually, but by then you will be enjoying a happy life with someone who loves you for who you are. Hang in there, sistah. You’ll get there when you least expect it.

    • I’m glad you agree, because I was seriously starting to question myself. I don’t doubt he was faithful, but there’s the issue of acting as if you’re in a relationship, which means not sharing your bed or housing someone on a regular basis.

      How right you are. I’m truly grateful he broke up with me, I probably would have stayed in the relationship for another 3 months desperately trying to make it work. He did me a favor.

      Thank you so much, you’re comment made me smile.

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