Popping in to say hello

Hi there,

It’s been forever since my last post. Maybe you know how it’s like. Sometimes you just write and write, and other times it’s the last thing on your mind.

I was in Italy the past May. I visited a friend, then traveled a bit. I absolutely loved every second. One of my favorite places was Burano Island, Venice. It’s not as touristic as Murano, which is one of the reasons I liked it so much. It’s great if you want a break from Venice.

Until next time,

Alpheba

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Remembering the Holocaust

It is  the eve of Yom HaShoah today, or in English, Holocaust Remembrance Day.

What does it mean to me?

When I was younger my parents worked in Yad VaShem, a museum and research center of the Holocaust. I grew up with it as part of my life. My grandmother, Chava Greenberg, didn’t talk about her childhood a lot.

She was born in Poland. In 1939 she boarded a ship carrying Jewish immigrants trying to enter Palestine (Israel’s name at the time). She tried to convince her family to join her. She was the only survivor. She later discovered that her family was murdered in Auschwitz and Majdanek. She lost all her belonging when the ship was attacked by the British.

I don’t know a lot about my grandfather, Yehoshua Goldshlager. I never met him. He was also born in Poland, and came to Palestine a few years before the war. As far as I know, he lost most of his family in the war. I think some of his family was in Lodz Ghetto at some point.

On my father’s side, they were luckier. My grandmother (Regina) fled Germany in time with her family, and my grandfather (Avraham) left Ukraine after WWI. Both of them fled to Argentina.

Tomorrow at 10am a siren will sound throughout Israel and most of us will stand in silence for 2 minutes.

My grandparent’s generation is dying out. It is important today, more than ever, to educate our children, and keep the story alive. These days, when people seem crueler and number to pain and suffering, we must remember what has happened, so it never happens again – I make an effort to remember everyday.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Color; The Baha’i Gardens

First of all, I want to thank my readers and whoever commented – your words make a difference, so thank you!

I visited a friend that lives in Haifa and we went on a tour to the Baha’i Gardens. There are 19 terraces, connected by stairs (The garden and shrine are built on Mount Carmel).

The Baha’i faith was founded by Bahaullah in 19th century Persia, emphasizing the spiritual unity of all humankind – I thought that’s beautiful. It seems like a “live and let live” kind of faith – wouldn’t the world be a better place if all religions followed that line of thinking?

Unfortunately the tour guide didn’t talk a lot about the Baha’i faith, so I can’t really say anything about it. All I can do is just link to wiki.

I love the color green, and just looking at the flowers and thinking about the times invested in creating the garden just blows my mind. It’s definitely a form of art.

I added a gallery with some pictures. You’ll see I’m not too talented, and most of the photos are just a close up. I didn’t think about writing a post about it, or I would have tried taking better photos :)

Oh, and obviously, this post is part of the weekly photo challenge. I would love to see what you posted about!

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Breaking up is hard to do

Last post, I wrote about wanting to tell my bf that I was raped in the past. I did, it went well. A month later, he broke up with me. We were friends for 6 years before we started dating. But I never expected to be treated they the way I was these past 3 months. I wanted our relationship to work so bad, I was willing to overlook some things.

One of his best friends is a girl. They’ve known each other for 8 years, and it’s non-sexual relationship, I was never worried about that. He gave her a key to his apartment, which he shares with a friend (who knows the girl). He said she can come and go whenever she wants. She had her cloths and some personal belongings in his room, and apparently shared his bed when she slept over (a fact unknown to me until he let it slip). When I was there, she slept in roommate’s bed. She was there about 1-3 time a week.

That is a lot. I talked to him and tried to explain it makes me uncomfortable that he has someone over so many times a week, that sleeps there and has a key. He didn’t quite understand, but said he’d talk with her.

We met a week ago. He said he doesn’t think it’s working. He’s very social, while I am a very private person, that he hasn’t ket my friends yet and I haven’t met a lot if his and that I’m still not comfortable enough with the one’s I have met. He then added that there are things (aka, rape and the fact it influenced they way I interact with strangers) that as a friend he would want to support and help me with, but not as a significant other.

So finally I just told him it looks like he wants an “instant” girlfriend/relationship, but that he doesn’t want to do the work required to get there. And he said – “you’re right”.I also told him that the only thing he had to do is give me time – time to meet his friends in small groups, time to get comfortable with them – that’s it. It’s only been 3 months, where’s the fire?

I mean, I honestly believe my significant other should be able to do whatever my friends can, and even more – So not having the patience or willingness to “support” me as my significant other is devastating to me, especially when it’s coming from my friend of 6 years.

Over the past 3 months he forgot how to be a friend. He made me feel as if I come second to his friends, I was never happy with the things he did or said and he didn’t act as if he had a girlfriend. But I miss him – his scent, his touch and how he’s so familiar. Unfortunately, I don’t know how I can stay in touch with him i the future after being treated the way I was. What does it say about me if I choose to keep him in my life?

And how the hell do I meet someone new?

Dating is so hard!

 

Telling Secrets

secretsNormally, I would probably write about all the changes that have happened the past few months, but there’s an issue I’ve been preoccupied with that I never told anyone about, so why not tell complete strangers, right?

Okay, here goes. It happened 8 years ago, I was 19. I went out to a club with 2 girlfriends. We were drinking copious amounts of alcohol.  I can’t remember a lot. It must have been towards the end of the night. Somehow I was separated from them. Now, these are the things I know happened for a fact:

  • They were 2. They took turns.
  • I was taken behind the club, or to the parking lot
  • There were people who saw what was happening
  • When they were done one of them asked for my phone number

I remember not being able to pul my pants up, so I asked for help. That’s it. I found my friends, we got into the car and I never talked about it, ever.

It was my 2nd sexual encounter. I was in the army at the time, and I adopted a promiscuous behavior that lasted well into my university years. I feel like what’s happened might explain some things about me…Maybe the fact that I don’t have a lot of friends and why they’re all female, why I don’t like going to parties or why I feel so terribly awkward near people I don’t know. These things might not have developed because of what has happened, but maybe they did.

I’ve been thinking about it almost daily these past few months. Maybe even for the past year. If it were to happen to one of my friends, I would scream RAPE. But as to what has happened to ME…I understand, logically, what both these men (if you could call them that) did. But I can’t say “I was raped” out loud. I can’t, I am not a victim. A victim is weak, fragile…I don’t feel like a victim, I don’t want to feel like one, it’s shameful.

I think I want to tell the guy I’m dating. We’ve been friends for 5 years. I just don’t know how. I don’t even know why I want him to know, I just do. How do I do it? How do I start without being overdramatic about it? I coverup a lot of things with humor, so I can’t imagine taking about something so intimate…

I’m scared I’ll get blamed: “well, you were drinking”, “did you flirt with them?”, “did you say no?”, “maybe they were drunk too?”…I’m afraid of someone close to me belittling what happened, saying it’s not rape because it wasn’t violent and bloody like the stereotypical rape scenario goes. I thought about telling some of my friends, but I don’t want to get sympathetic looks, and I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. So, if that’s the case, why tell after so many years? What’s the point?

New year, new opportunities

opp.

I feel like things are finally falling into place. well, things are *about* to fall into place.

I’m supposed to start a new job – I just have to sign the contract. It has been delayed due to Christmas and New Years. It’s an international company, so the US offices just have to give it a thumbs up. I’ve been told it’s a formality, so no worries.

I’m supposed to move in with a friend – right after I sign the contract and give my 1 month notice at work. We both lived together when we were studying for our BA. So I’m not worried about living with her. We’re moving to a new city – well, new in her case, and back to Tel-Aviv in my case. I’m excited.

Love life – I don’t know if anyone still reads this blog. But a few months ago I was devastated over some guy. So, same guy came to his senses and said that he would like to start going out. He’s in New York now, coming back at the end of the week. I really hope it works out. I’ve had him in my life for 5 years, it’s a huge risk.

 

See how everything feels so close, but still out of reach? I’m so close I can taste it. I so hope It doesn’t come crashing down. I’m excited and terrified at the same time.

I’ve been singing the song in my head for DAYS. Give it a go.